Danger Danger - High Voltage!

Wow - never has one girl had a feeling of so much power over the less-than-fair sex!

(Except maybe Belle from that itv2 drama! haha).

I've spent most of the weekend trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings that are going on in my head / insides. I still don't think I'm much further on. Imagine a hamster running round a wheel as fast as it little legs can carry it - that's my head.

I spent most of Saturday morning after Wolves Wanderer had buggered off to work lolling around, but not before I'd pranced about in his work shirt as he showered & shaved. Never ever did I contemplate that a blokes shirt would ever look good on me, in that look-at-me-this-is-sexy way... But I seemed to strike gold that morning!

Once I'd got my arse into gear I realised that I really needed to get some work time in on my jewellery designs.... the party is looming and I need to make more pieces. Unfortunately (or not) it's not a process to be rushed! I realised the need for retail therapy of the beady kind and even though I might live off beans and scratchings for the next month I went to find a bead shop for some immediate relief for my itch.

Fifty quid later and I had a little (little being the operative word) bag of treasures to take home and work my magic with! Mum commented that I had enough to play with now... "oh how little you know", I thought (in a nice way). I managed to have my creative hat on for at least part of the night as I finished a rather fetching sterling silver swarovski crystal bracelet, and I managed to at least start a couple of other things. Then later on Wolves Wanderer rang me when he finished work at 10.30. he had mentioned to go down but I was feeling lazy and said it'll be a waste as he had to be up early to go to work on Sunday anyway... then we proceeded to be on the phone for two and a half hours!

How do you balance seeing a guy for the 'appropriate' length of time when you're just starting out? And why am I even trying to?

I'm starting to question if I'm scared... but the mere thought of me being scared, why, it's preposterous!

But maybe I am... hmmm, one to ponder.

Sunday was going to be a day for circuit training and then out on my bike for pondering such thoughts. That was, until the lie-in got in the way...! My phone woke me up beeping with a text at around 10.30! Oh well I thought, who needs circuits anyway (gulp). And then I decided coffee and weetabix were in order, which I did infront of the tv...which was dangerous...trash tv on a sunday is like a time warp!! Eventually I got out on the bike and tried to do part of the pennine trail, but it was completely uneventful. Hitting dead ends is crap. As is going through those 'A' shaped posts things, designed to make cyclist dismount (and become irritated).

Anyhoos, I was planning on going to see Wolves Wanderer perhaps Sunday eventide, but he rang me from work and apologised as he had to work the asbo van till 11pm.... (Am I a bit strange for thinking that sounds cool?). So another night sat in, fiddling with jewels was to be had - although not much actually got finished. This was due, partly, to the fact that I was sat at my computer after it had let me know I had a new message on the dating site.

It's the Welsh one.... we had a few messages back & to and the upshot of it is, that he wants me out walking. haha! I think the fact that he's not had much attention from me in the last month has given rise to him seeking it out a bit more. Anyway, to cut a long story short - I've kinda agreed but haven't set any firm date/time in place. What can I say, I'm a sucker for mountains. And he IS fit... I don't know what I'm thinking, when things are so obviously heading in one direction with WW and now this...

It could be dangerous.

But danger is my middle name this year!

Sunday night and WW decides he's coming to see me after work... a very very pleasant reprise! He gets to me around 11.50pm (which isn't unusual for me to still be up) and is still in uniform... let me tell you, it's never been a head turner for me, per se... but, there is something kinda sassy about the whole late night / man in uniform on your doorstep scenario!! haha.

Monday came and went almost uneventfully, apart from the realisation that I'm on the "must try harder" list at fat camp (ok, that's self imposed. But true!). WW has been texting me complimentary things for about the last 72 hours and I'm still kinda high on that when I decided "fuck it - I'll ask him if he fancies company tonight".

I've asked myself if this is me throwing caution to the wind and 'going with the flow' - you know, it might just be...

So off I bombed at 10.45pm last night to get to his for when he does...

I just need to add something here....

Last night as I was driving down the motorway, I saw the aftermath of a horrendous crash the sort that had people stuck in a queue for 3 hours. I've learned this morning that 5 people died tragically... in fact, a whole family. Gone. Makes you think doesn't it. How in an instant, in one cruel twist of fate, everything is changed. I feel for the rest of their family... mothers, fathers, brothers or sisters.

This morning, it's sort of made me feel very humble to have what I have. And also that I should perhaps cherish it and stop fucking about (even though I feel I can't help that). You should love and cherish the people that care for you and not worry about the ones that don't.

Hmmm.... I'll pause for that thought....................................................

So back to blogtastic

WW is coming up tonight and is taking me out for a meal. We're going lebanese - and it's his treat.

This will be the 3rd night on the trot that we've been together and that means with the impending city break included it'll be 6 nights in total.. eeeek! Funny that the woman he often works with has warned him against scaring me off! haha.

Maybe, I should be looking to cherish what i'm the current recipient of a bit more.

Maybe we all should...

Normal service resumes...

Well folks, i think it took me a good few days to get over the Monday night madness and some subsequent late nights. But she's back now and raring to go...

I've had a message from a medallion man on the dating site... didn't really mention him before as I'd only had a couple of e-mithers from him... but he sent me a message the other day so I'm wondering if he is about to rear his head. I've told him in my reply that I've been spending a lot of time with one particular guy. 

I'm wondering if as a single gal I should've done that..?

There seems to be a consensus of opinion from some quarters that a single girl should keep her options VERY open and be quite aloof when it comes to her men! Hmmm - I think I'm probably far too honest for that.

Maybe I should be tapping into that inner bitch once more....

Especially seeing as the Welsh one has also sent me a message  - I think he wants me to join him up a mountain at some point in the near future but he's kinda slow in coming forward to actually ask me outright. Although his last message said free free to joing us on the 3 peak challenge next year! Hmmmm.

What's a girl to do....?

Something to think about.

Anyway - on Friday night I took Wolves Wanderer on possibly a bit of a big step. I took him to have dinner at a good friends house. I was going to stay sober until I saw sense, bought some beer and thought "bugger that!" It was good, even though I think he was possibly a bit on the quiet side but that's to be expected when meeting new people. I don't think he thought he was being scrutinised. Anyway we played on the Wii and drank ourselves drunk. A very enjoyable night!

Earlier on Friday something else happened. My ex phoned me. Eek! I did think about ignoring his call but I didn't and took him into the girls loo's for some 'privacy' away from my desk in our open plan office. I don't know exactly why he called. Just to chat I think and to say hello and see how I was because he was passing by where I work. Perhaps if he had been a braver man he might've come to see me. But the fear of rejection is possibly what kept him away. This was a funny coincidence because only that morning he'd been mentioned in the same texts as AC/DC touring and trying to get tickets to my mate [who is also his ex brother in law].

Why oh why do I fall so easily into it with him....

It's like slipping on an old comfortable pair of jeans.

I swear sometimes I think he's my "Big". Things in the back of my head say to me that there's unfinished business there. And right now I'm in that awful limbo place of wanting it one minute and it being abhorrent the next. He threw away what we 'had'. So why I'm even giving him brain time is driving me fucking crazy! One thing I didn't do was give him any indication of Wolves Wanderer or my impending city break.

One day, but not yet...

Move over Gordon Ramsey... Wolves Wanderer coming through

I'm barely running on one cylinder today... My brain doesn't feel connected to the rest of me and as such, everything I do/think/say/touch/effect is a bit disconbombulated. After some RnR normal service will be resumed!

The reason behind this....? It might have something to do with the two bottles of wine and the bottle of limoncello that was consumed by myself and Wolves Wanderer last night. Hmmm - and no comments about getting old and not being able to keep up. I drove to work today in what can only be described as a stupor! I think there's a lesson there...

I dashed home after my fat bashers meeting and managed a quick shit shower shave routine so that I was prepped (although not preened) for when Wolves Wanderer rocked up with his gastronomic delights. It would appear that the fucking intercom has decided to not bloody work, so I had to hot foot it down to let him in the main door 'manually'. Still, I suppose the exercise is good. haha. He then proceeded to cook us a veritable feast.

Yummy yummy in my tummy... how pleased am I that this guy can cook!

(Unlike Passion Man who lived off ready meals every fucking day. Thank God that went no further!). Anyways... after treating me to steak served with brie & garlic stuffed mushrooms, proper chunky chips and baby carrots the dessert (the important bit) was every bit as delish! A chocolate & baileys individual handmade cheesecake with strawbs and a raspberry couli.... scrummdiddlyumptious or what!?

Arrrrh, big sigh of contentment..... although a good friend of mine pointed out that all this isn't helping my diet (dare I eat that). She's right. I guess it's more sex that's required.. after all, isn't that 12cals per minute? ...or is that running?! hmmmm, I don't know. I think I do enough exercise at the moment. But there is a challenge on the horizon as Wolves Wanderer has made it known that he wants to shed a few pounds and I'm charged with the job of drill sergeant. He's put my name down for a guest pass at his gym. Right up my street! hup two three four....!

He mentioned again last night about me being guarded with my 'cards' whereas his are all out on the table. I'm sure he's not tiring of the 'whole thing' just yet, more that he's just eager. I just wish I could jump in sometimes with the abandon that seems reserved for 'other people'. I'm wondering when I'll be able to tell that I'm 'ready', if ever! I have however taken what I think is a bold step and added him to my facebook page (for those in the know, those aren't his glasses!). 

Bloody emotions...

Bloody deep thinking...

Bloody men...

Bloody hell!

Sleep, Syns and the S word...

A lovely weekend has been had. However, I seem to always think that when I've not had a minute to think 'right, what to do now' and that usually happens when I'm away from home... Friday I was dead on my feet when I arrived at Wolves Wanderers house. But, weary as I was, I couldn't contain my excitement at the swiftly approaching 'mini break' we are partaking of. I was showing off my efforts with map printing & some 'detective' work of my own regarding sightseeing/times/prices etc etc. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was caring so much to go to some effort to do all this.

Hope I don't scare him off with my 'exuberant' self. Surely not.

Anyway, I had taken all the ingredients to cook one of my favourite slimming world recipe's. "Oh fuck it" I thought, gotta try him on some of the 'diet' without him even perhaps realising. And so, it was done. I just helped in the kitchen and in less than an hour, what is possibly the best culinary show of that particular recipe appeared out of his oven. The dessert was even half way 'low fat' and if you squinted slightly, the dollop of full-fat whipped double cream on the top of muller-light yoghurt and red-berries was hardly visible! (if you can't see it - it doesn't count!). We won't even mention the wine... shhhh! 

I mentioned we might have gone out, but given how knackered I was, I pleased to have been let off that one. After all, it's one thing letting the guy see you in a marginally less-than-pukka manner, but it is quite another for his mates to see that. Especially the first time. I know he would say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to look every inch the goddess when the time comes. That is said (obviously) tongue in cheek, as it means rather more literally that I want to have freshly washed (and brushed) hair & 'slap' on. haha!

On Saturday morning we did have one of those chats where he told me what he was looking for. In a nutshell, it's me. And without him actually saying so, he's kinda waiting around for me to get to the point of wanting to make things a little more 'official' shall we say. Or I end up moving away chasing a career. Hmmmm, I didn't really know what to say but swiftly realised that my default setting of 'honesty really is the best policy' won out. I reiterated that I'm not quite ready for girlfriend/boyfriend status just yet but I am enjoying basking in his company. He accepted my reasoning and that was that. Am I ready? is a question I've been asking myself over the last couple for days...

I did meet one of his friends when he dropped him off at the train station as a favour (good hair & not bad makeup day -bonus!!). We had planned to go out walking so we were suitably dressed for that and I had my casual combats on.... fresh on so they had that nice hold-me-in effect going on which is always good when the decorators have just arrived! (ladies, you know what I mean). His friend and I made pleasantries in the car and I think I managed to procure the seal of approval.

Although how could they not adore little old me!? haha

We ended up going into Wales to a place called Rhayader and had a bit of a jaunt around some of the reservoirs and up a bit of a hill. The drizzle 'frizzled' my hair but it wasn't enough to dampen our spirits, so that was good. We visited an old police camp that he had frequented as a teenager and we larked around on the obstacle course that still stands on the site. I wanted to swing on the rope swing but thought better of it when I weighed up my chances of falling off. I did hang upside down on some parallel bars which any self respecting big kid should from time to time. On the way home I was doing the classic sleepy nod. So when "why don't you recline your seat and close your eyes for a bit" was mentioned, I didn't need to think twice. I reclined into the comfy heated seat and used his work fleece as a pillow and that was it, away with the fairies... apparently he even spoke to one of his mates that was on duty through the handsfree car kit thingy and I didn't bat an eyelid.

Hmmm.. note to self: .oO try to be more awake otherwise this guy is gonna think you have narcolepsy!

I started to let some things slip to my mother this morning about recent events. At one point she had made a point of saying "I do hope you're not just jumping into bed with these men!" I was shocked - I love my mum dearly, but this is the woman that didn't even discuss the birds and the bees with me... so to be suddenly thrust into a possible conversation where the S word might get used found me a little flat footed to say the least. Anyway, she seemed suitably pleased with the choice of bloke her daughter is spending time with of late. After the events at the beginning of the year that revolved around my split with the 'dark side' (that's my ex. the phrase is blatantly robbed from a good mate) I think she's coming over a little protective. Not that that is a bad thing. But I'm wondering if things ever get more serious if he'll have to run the gauntlet of mother. She might only be small but she keeps threatening us with 'Essex kisses'...

...I swear one day, she'll surprise us all by delivering one.

My Sunday was spent in Nottingham at a tournament, so nothing exciting to report as such. It was just 12 hours of "duty" and a total of four hours in the car. Boy was I glad to get into my bed last night! And, of course, spending all this time away from home recently means that my plan to be a one woman creative jewellery designer/creator in preparation for the party isn't really coming together too well. Let alone things like housework!

Must try harder, must try harder!

Wowed by Rick Astley and Mongolian in one night...

I went to my interview/meeting yesterday all suited and booted... it went well as far as I can tell. I've made the "list" anyway. I did get slightly irked when the guy I was talking to kept looking at my boobs from time to time. haha. Not much to bloody see saddo! Later, I turned up at Wolves Wanderer's place and he seemed quite pleased to see me (dressed in a skirt). It doesn't happen often, make the most of it, is what I should have said.

A while later after a coffee and some chat he announced that he had a present for me. What could it be I wondered, he presented me with an envelope and said,

"The other day you told me about something that happened in your childhood that had annoyed you. I just thought I'd try and go someway towards putting it right"

(This is where I should add the background story: As a young child my dad & I went to see Rick Astley as my dad knew his manager. The result of the meeting was a signed album at the height of his fame in the late 80s  which was to be a prize in a competition that my dad was organising. I coveted that album - a lot. I asked my dad if we could get something else as a prize instead so I could keep the record (yes kids, vinyl!). No, I couldn't was the answer. And yes, you guessed it, some kid won the album in a competition that I couldn't even win because my dad was one of the judges.... such was my life at circa 10yrs old.)

So, I opened the envelope and inside was a picture of Rick Astley and a piece of card with his signature on. Wolves Wanderer had bought this signature from ebay..! Now, I'm sure he knows I'm not a closet fan of Mr. Astley given that I attend gigs like Disturbed, Marilyn Manson, Metallica et al.... This was more about the thought - the gesture. And once again, he's swiftly done a fly by under my sick bag detector and left me spinning thinking,

Can this guy get any more thoughtful!?

Not long after we got showered and changed in preparation for our evening of culinary delights. The Mongolian food was amazing and my belly is still feeling full from the pure gluttony of it all - God knows what happened to my diet, I think I last saw it at the beginning of last week! After we'd eaten our fill of the gorgeous food we returned home and the suggestion was made to go out & walk the dog. It was past 11pm, but hey - I had food to digest and I didn't want to take my full belly and the probability of gas with me to bed.

I'm lady don't you know... 

So off we set off up a steep hill to a local monument. How romantic was it stood there under the blanket of stars in wellies, a fleece coat that was about 6 sizes too big for me and hair that was rapidly curling in the dampness of the night air. Didn't seem to matter too much in the darkness though I suppose. And he didn't seem to care when he kissed me tenderly.

The question I'm pondering at the moment is why don't I take compliments very well... do I have such poor self esteem?

Wolves wanderer told me that I looked beautiful... I shy away from comments like that and he has started to notice.

I knew when I split from my ex, my confidence felt like it had been brow beaten out of me. I don't think I'd ever felt low like that before. But being single and doing all the exciting things I've done this year, I'd become (I thought) quite up-beat, independent and definitely more confident. I think in almost every other part of my life I feel confident about things, so why not with my appearance? I'm wondering if it comes back to this trust issue. My ex ex never bothered complimenting me really and that was that. But my ex complimented me often enough (he also noticed that I didn't accept them readily). I think the issue might be that he turned them around somewhat at various points and still managed to make me feel I was too fat, too flabby, too loudly dressed, too expressive with my hands, etc etc. The thoughts were mainly my own but probably borne from his sideways looks or comments.

Putting your belief and trust in someone when you've been let down by someone you thought loved you can be quite a big deal (or so it would seem). I've been honest with every one of the suitors I've met with the fact that I'm learning to trust again. Wolves Wanderer is,  I think, the only one that has said more than "ok" to that.

I guess it's something I will try to work on.

This morning I was late to work as I found it ridiculously hard to a) get my arse out of his dressing gown and b) leave his company. He told me he had missed me (from Monday) and to be honest, I'm starting to concur.

Anyhooos, it's my turn to cook us a meal so that's happening tomorrow night. There's also the threat of meeting some of his friends.. gulp - am I ready for that? After all, he's met a couple of mine and will also meet at least one of my good friends at a beer festival next week. (diet is on red alert!)

Oh and I'm sure it'll be fat week....

Shock horror!

Isn't it great how so much can happen in just a few short hours......!!!

I'm going to Vienna!!

(Yes that's, Vienna - Austria, not to be confused with a popular yummy ice cream dessert).

I'm going with Wolves Wanderer... feels perhaps a tad strange given we're not officially an item but I thought, what the heck. (As did he obviously). This all came about after me going to the Disturbed gig on Monday (as it's them we're going to see in, did I mention, Vienna!!) haha.

I don't think he even knew who they were properly before the weekend! Anyway, he listened to some stuff online, liked them and looked up where they were playing (World Tour) - unfortunately, Birmingham was a sell out and Vienna just happened to coincide with some of his days off. Coolio! I'm questioning the wisdom in a foreign jaunt given my current unstable career situation but I had one of my classic "ahh, fuck it" moments and lo, it was booked. Albeit on the cheap. Obviously.

So, you can imagine, I'm quite excited about this now!

A bit of much needed adventure to brighten the dull days at the end of October.

Today is a shorter than average post as I'm buggering off shortly to attend a meeting with a recruiter and after that, I'm hot footing it straight down to Wolves Wanderer's (very lovely) house as he is taking me out to dinner tonight.

Mongolian no less...

Fair weather and inclement friends...

What a busy few days I've had. On Saturday after spending a total of four hours driving, you'd think I'd be pretty knackered, but in fact I was quite fired up. I'd won two free tickets to a comedy club on Saturday night and Wolves Wanderer was coming over for the whole weekend.... progression? hmmm - maybe. I was excited anyway. So on my arrival home I donned my wonder woman persona and managed to do the whole 'shit shower shave' routine in around an hour. And it seemed to be a good hair / make up day - wonders will never cease! A thoroughly good time was had and I think we realised that we probably shared a similar sense of humour when we laughed at the same crude (and blue) jokes but were too polite to say. We'd (unintentionally) met up with a couple of people I know, so off we went to another bar for a boogie. We left around half past twelve to return home for a few drinks etc...

The next day, after not much sleep, the weather was gorgeous - so after being surprised with bucks fizz. I found that facet of domestic goddess in my personality that very occasionally allows me to be a great cook and rustled up scrambled eggs & smoked salmon on toast. yum yum! Then we went for a day out at the beach. We took along his gorgeously aloof dog and when we weren't holding hands, we did the whole throwing sticks into the water like you're meant to do when you own a dog (aren't you?). We walked for a while when he suggested we have a sit down at the base of some sand dunes. Then promptly produced a small bottle of champers and two glasses! (wow...is this guy for real!?).

So - he's really trying to impress and so far he's impressively flying under my "pass me a sick bag" radar.

He also asked me if he'd managed to change my mind about wanting a relationship. Hmmmm, has he? I don't know.

His dog loves me though, that's for sure!

Last night I went to a gig (Disturbed) with a good friend of mine and we had a heart to heart. My point was this... while I still have thoughts and feelings for my ex, albeit mixed up and confused, is it right to plunge into another relationship? I'm not so sure it is. This isn't me saying I necessarily want to get back with my ex... but that, if he came a knockin (yeah right, as if!) I would do more than waiver - it'd be a real problem for me. And therefore, I shouldn't expect myself to be ready to be someone elses girlfriend while these thoughts are still apparent. In my head, this all feels like a big ball of fluffy mess, with no real rhyme or reason. But I think I'm right (of course).

It's bollocks.

no, really - it is!

I hate this level of confusion and self-doubt. One problem, it's all my own doing I think. Why does it always seem that it's just women that get stuck with these sorts of emotive thoughts and cross-confusions? Aaaargh. So this is where "sensible girl" leapt in in response to Wolves Wanderer's question... I told him the truth that I'd been through my favourites on the dating sight like a dose of salts and removed all the dead wood. And that I'd also 'hidden' my profile for the time being.

This answer sufficed - I think both parties were pleased.

So what is it that is truly holding me back? I know that my ex and I will never get it back.

And all my friends are telling me that this new guy is loads nice/better/more stable/better prospects etc etc. (obviously).

Aaaaaaarrrrrghhhh! I feel like I need a brain rinse!

Meanwhile, back in the fish pond -  The Welsh one has sent me a message... he's still in Canada but mentioned he's coming up to North Wales the week after next. No specific invitation, so my reply has been fairly non-committal.

This has given rise to a bit of an epiphany :

It's ok to be around people that want to spend time with you and will actually go out of their way for you and equally (and perhaps more importantly) it's ok to not be around people that don't bother with you. And this stretches far past the realms of dating / socialising with blokes. This reaches into the eschalons of friends and associates and even family.

(yes really)

I'm one of life's givers (of course). A generous sort who will try to help out people if I can and I'm usually the one who goes to people's houses or makes the first call, you know what I mean (even when I was in a relationship and living with my ex I did this). There's nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself if you do the same? There are a few people I know (family included) that keep saying to me that they don't know where I am half the time or don't know the goss on the latest bloke etc etc etc. I know things can be a little bit fast paced in my world at times and change in a fleeting moment but, to be honest, it fucks me off right royally. I think there's no real excuse for having this conversation over and over....

Truth is, they're not that bothered and haven't even realised that it's just me that's become pissed off with the situation and stopped being the one to always make the phonecalls or housecalls.... funny how they miss you but don't even think to become a proactive participant in the relationship isn't it..?

I'll get off my soapbox now...

The culture vulture

I went to see another recruiter yesterday in the city centre. I must admit, I do feel like a fish out of water sometimes, teetering along in my dolly bird heels & a skirt in daylight hours. I just don't carry it off well. And for that reason, I'm quite pleased that another recruiter rang me & told me about a position up in Cumbria that might interest me. Hmmm, that's my part of the country for sure. Working on "outdoorsy" brands too. Could be just my cup of tea and I'd probably bring a touch of sparkle to the role. I love the great outdoors, but I'll still wear make up and silver clothing - catch my drift!? haha. 

So then, why am I now starting to have negative thoughts about moving away from my most prominent suitor!? I caught myself checking if there were any positions in his neck of the woods a couple of days ago and had to tell myself off!

Aaargh - I'm now doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do and it's irritating me.

But I can't help it. What does this mean?!  Am I about to start self-sabotage tactics I wonder?

My mind is working overtime...

I'm also having quite a few thoughts about my ex. It's because he'd confessed to me being 'under his skin' and 'missing me like crazy'. But I've not heard from him for about a week now. I should be glad - so why am I left 'wondering' - it's causing me a bit of a headfuck at the moment and I don't like it!

I wish there was a formula for working out when you're over someone.... something like

love x words / relationship length = time required for closure

My clarity is not coming easily or quickly, but I suppose that just goes to show that my feelings towards that person were of a pretty high calibre. (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)

I'm going to a concert on Monday and originally I had asked The Rhino if he fancied it... like the bad bad girl I am, I went and changed my mind about him coming. Too much of a faff because he doesn't drive! I also had misgivings about taking him because a good friend of my ex is going - how mental is that?! I'm wondering if that's 'telling'. I think I just didn't want to give off the wrong impression as he is/was never going to a long term bolt on to my life.

Oh - with regard to the Passion Man - I'm kinda treating it that 'no news' is good news.... eek! I'm obviously a rubbish 'letterdownerer' I'm dreading that text coming through though. Hopefully, the way in which I scuttled off after our disasterous date has sent him the message loud and clear. He's no longer on my favourite list nor me his on the site. Why do we put ourselves through the drama?

I'm also left wondering what will happen when the Welsh one comes back from Canada and if he contacts me... That'll be a test because girls, he is fucking gorgeous with a capital F! I so would! (And I'd bet you would too! haha)

On a lighter note, I've given Wolves wanderer a culture lesson today. He sent me a limerick, I'd love to share but it's kinda personal to me. Strike that, it's very bloody personal. haha. I've got a soft spot for (proper) poetry so I sent him what  is possibly my favourite poem in the world (and the only one I can recite) by W B Yeats. He promptly rang me wowing at me sending him something so beautiful. I'll share this one with you:

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light.

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,

Of night and light and the half-light.

I would spread the cloths under your feet.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams.

I have spread my dreams under your feet,

Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

Enjoy x

And the results are in...

My poll has now finished (thank you if you voted) the consensus is that using a dating site to fulfill any type of carnal desire should be used as a last resort if you're desperate.... hmmmm, I tend to agree. You would not believe some of the numpties that have sent me messages via the service on the site I'm on! I ended up changing my settings so that I only got messages of no less than 50 words for instance.

And if they were written in text speak, well, no chance! I didn't want to have to employ a child to decipher any messages! But it amazed me at how many people do it. And not just on the dating site. In general! One guy was chatting to me via the IM and he said, 

"Can I hv ur phne no. pls?"

No you can't. Feck off! If I'm not even worth the extra vowels then why on Gods earth should I bother. Maybe I'm just being naive and I'm not a hardened internet dating 'type' - but contacting me and asking for my phone number straight away just because I have the manners to reply to your initial message....!?! Well to be frank ladies, it left me cold on more than one occasion. I want some smooooze, to feel like I have something in common with the person, I want you to make me feel like I want to know more about you... am I wrong? I don't think so. I don't want any weird fuglies on there ringing me up at any given moment!

Originally I probably had my net cast too far and too wide. With an age range from 34 to 42. (My ex was 43 when we split). Let me tell you, I swear some of the guys on there are blatantly lying about their ages! And don't even get me started on the 'old' photographs! One I saw the other day really took the biscuit - he had a picture on there of him at about 15. He was 39 for fucks sake! Then there are the guys (bless them) that look soooo much older than their 'real' ages. One guy, lovely as he probably was, contacted me. He was only 40 I think but he looked just about ready for his bus pass!

It was shortly after that I added "must have all own hair & teeth" to my profile. I don't want to look like I'm going out with my dad!

I don't think that makes me picky.

Anyhooos, since all this, I've narrowed my age range significantly from 34-36! haha, funny how you live and learn!

You do of course, occasionally find exceptions....... Wolves Wanderer came round on Tuesday night, he turned up with: pizza, salad, bottle of wine (nice one too!) and to finish strawberries & clotted cream! "Wow" I thought, "this is soooooooo gonna need working off!!" haha Now, it's an hours drive between his pad & my boudoir... and he had to be in work at 5am the next morning! Bless him, he still made the effort to get himself sorted (he's a well groomed individual), go shopping for the stuff and make his way over in time for me just getting home. And he cooked / sorted it all out. That a fair amount of effort in anyone's book! He's really aiming to please, it's very sweet and I think he's succeeding.

I still have my sticking point though  - about not being able to be in a relationship right now. I still think about my ex and how I'll ever learn to cope with those thoughts, I don't know - I guess that's a time thing. But I think I'm right in assuming that while I'm still pondering it, I'm not ready. I can still enjoy the nice things that are happening to me though, right? I think I'm ok doing that as long as I have the presence of mind to know and understand where I am with things. (I've made this as clear as I can to him). Crikey, I might have to move to another part of the country yet for work! Wolves Wanderer has told me how he feels though, he's even run it by me that he's classing himself as off the shelf right now. Which I must admit, feels kinda nice really. The numbers of texts have jumped significantly from around 20 to over 200 in a matter of a few days!

I think it's fair to say he's keen. Friends still tell me he's a 'keeper'.

He's coming over this weekend, so I hope I'll have plenty to look forward to...