Fair weather and inclement friends...

What a busy few days I've had. On Saturday after spending a total of four hours driving, you'd think I'd be pretty knackered, but in fact I was quite fired up. I'd won two free tickets to a comedy club on Saturday night and Wolves Wanderer was coming over for the whole weekend.... progression? hmmm - maybe. I was excited anyway. So on my arrival home I donned my wonder woman persona and managed to do the whole 'shit shower shave' routine in around an hour. And it seemed to be a good hair / make up day - wonders will never cease! A thoroughly good time was had and I think we realised that we probably shared a similar sense of humour when we laughed at the same crude (and blue) jokes but were too polite to say. We'd (unintentionally) met up with a couple of people I know, so off we went to another bar for a boogie. We left around half past twelve to return home for a few drinks etc...

The next day, after not much sleep, the weather was gorgeous - so after being surprised with bucks fizz. I found that facet of domestic goddess in my personality that very occasionally allows me to be a great cook and rustled up scrambled eggs & smoked salmon on toast. yum yum! Then we went for a day out at the beach. We took along his gorgeously aloof dog and when we weren't holding hands, we did the whole throwing sticks into the water like you're meant to do when you own a dog (aren't you?). We walked for a while when he suggested we have a sit down at the base of some sand dunes. Then promptly produced a small bottle of champers and two glasses! (wow...is this guy for real!?).

So - he's really trying to impress and so far he's impressively flying under my "pass me a sick bag" radar.

He also asked me if he'd managed to change my mind about wanting a relationship. Hmmmm, has he? I don't know.

His dog loves me though, that's for sure!

Last night I went to a gig (Disturbed) with a good friend of mine and we had a heart to heart. My point was this... while I still have thoughts and feelings for my ex, albeit mixed up and confused, is it right to plunge into another relationship? I'm not so sure it is. This isn't me saying I necessarily want to get back with my ex... but that, if he came a knockin (yeah right, as if!) I would do more than waiver - it'd be a real problem for me. And therefore, I shouldn't expect myself to be ready to be someone elses girlfriend while these thoughts are still apparent. In my head, this all feels like a big ball of fluffy mess, with no real rhyme or reason. But I think I'm right (of course).

It's bollocks.

no, really - it is!

I hate this level of confusion and self-doubt. One problem, it's all my own doing I think. Why does it always seem that it's just women that get stuck with these sorts of emotive thoughts and cross-confusions? Aaaargh. So this is where "sensible girl" leapt in in response to Wolves Wanderer's question... I told him the truth that I'd been through my favourites on the dating sight like a dose of salts and removed all the dead wood. And that I'd also 'hidden' my profile for the time being.

This answer sufficed - I think both parties were pleased.

So what is it that is truly holding me back? I know that my ex and I will never get it back.

And all my friends are telling me that this new guy is loads nice/better/more stable/better prospects etc etc. (obviously).

Aaaaaaarrrrrghhhh! I feel like I need a brain rinse!

Meanwhile, back in the fish pond -  The Welsh one has sent me a message... he's still in Canada but mentioned he's coming up to North Wales the week after next. No specific invitation, so my reply has been fairly non-committal.

This has given rise to a bit of an epiphany :

It's ok to be around people that want to spend time with you and will actually go out of their way for you and equally (and perhaps more importantly) it's ok to not be around people that don't bother with you. And this stretches far past the realms of dating / socialising with blokes. This reaches into the eschalons of friends and associates and even family.

(yes really)

I'm one of life's givers (of course). A generous sort who will try to help out people if I can and I'm usually the one who goes to people's houses or makes the first call, you know what I mean (even when I was in a relationship and living with my ex I did this). There's nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself if you do the same? There are a few people I know (family included) that keep saying to me that they don't know where I am half the time or don't know the goss on the latest bloke etc etc etc. I know things can be a little bit fast paced in my world at times and change in a fleeting moment but, to be honest, it fucks me off right royally. I think there's no real excuse for having this conversation over and over....

Truth is, they're not that bothered and haven't even realised that it's just me that's become pissed off with the situation and stopped being the one to always make the phonecalls or housecalls.... funny how they miss you but don't even think to become a proactive participant in the relationship isn't it..?

I'll get off my soapbox now...